Lullaby
by Christina.Rei
Summary: After decades of loving one another, a nightmare decision struck them: She is forced to abandon Soul Society and abdicate all her powers. Will they have the courage to fight against fate or will the feeling collapse under such tense situation?
1. The Icy Mirror Chapter

"_When it's up to deep feelings, there's no morality that can overcome the real desire to keep him/her to ourselves."_

**The Icy Mirror Chapter**

Inside these four walls I can feel her spiritual energy… intense and converged into a unique being. I'm glad I got to know her… I was honored with the opportunity to fight by her side… but I'm feeling miserable for being nothing other than this… and for being nothing but my cowardly and self-centered "me". Since the Academy I've been told to separate myself from "human affairs" and focus on my hierarchic position… but since I lay my eyes on her I feel weird. As if my heart would implode inside my chest until I feel nothing but pain. *sigh* What is wrong with me?

- Captain! You shouldn't be sleeping!

Matsumoto's annoying voice makes me want to kill her… and why the hell is she yelling at me for? She's always sneaking out the building to skip work, which results in me having to do both mine and her paperwork.

- … need something?

- Oh, you look a mess. Are you ok ?

As she approaches the desk I wish she would just go away. I'm not in the mood for this talk…

- I'm fine, go back to work.

- But… Captain…

- Please Matsumoto. Leave me alone.

She turns back and heads for the door… but soon her footsteps stop.

- I respect you Captain… but ignoring problems does not solve them.

- … the same way you solved yours with Ichimaru?

Her twisted expression stares at me like she was about to cry. I'm aware I went too far, but I need her to go. I'm no good company for the time being.

- Captain Hitsugaya… I can't understand the reason for your coldness towards people… but I hope you don't forget to attend Seika's farewell party…

Matsumoto closes the door, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I know I've never been social… but when did I became cruel?


	2. The Will Of Fire

**The Will of Fire**

My life's been blessed… since the first day Genryusai saw me wandering through the sandy Hueco Mundo's dunes… till this very day. I'm an outsider. The training at Soul Society erased every bit of evil within me… so I guessed. Maybe I should consider myself evil for loving someone so young as him, but then again… I'm an Arrancar. I should be deprived of feelings; I should question the existence of something as lively as the heart. Nonetheless, I can feel it every time I close my eyes. Today… I leave Soul Society. I don't belong here, I don't belong in Hueco Mundo either. Being human, seems a good option… although I'll miss this world, I'll miss everything in it.

- Seika-chan? What'ru doing in here by yourself?

- Ah… just thinking to myself. I'll miss being here.

- You should stay. Perhaps make an arrangement with the Imperial Squad.

- The King was pretty clear. Any non Shinigami forces are permanently banned from tonight on. I may look like one, feel like one, but I'm not a Shinigami.

- You're moving to Karakura?

- No, I'll probably hit Tokyo… get a job, go to school. Normal stuff.

- You mean boring stuff?

Renji is awesome. He always put a smile on my face when I'm feeling down. I'll miss him deeply and by the sour expression he's making right now… he'll miss me too.

- What about… that issue?

A shiver runs up my spine when Renji mentions it. Every time I think about him I get this feeling, he intimidates me… I'm ridiculous.

- What about it? I'll let it be, of course. He doesn't give a crap if I'll stay or go… It's irrelevant.

- Drop the negative thoughts… He might be kinda rude, but he's a good boy.

The security in Renji's words is frightening. He's nothing more than a boy… who am I to have such indecent feelings and desires for someone who is so much younger than me? It's repulsive.

- Seika… you're almost the same height.

- I'm 20cm taller than him…

- … almost the same age…

- I'm 400 years older…

- … that's no big deal.

- Besides, he doesn't feel that way towards me. He only has eyes for Hinamori… go figure.

Renji's sigh makes me realize I'm right. If I were to fight that war I'd be losing from the start… which makes me feel miserable by the way.

- In that case… I wouldn't mind being your boyfriend…ya know.

As Renji's lips approach my face, the palm of my hand smacks his cheek.

- Cut it our Abarai! Always trying to take advantage!

He rubs his hurt cheek as I sadly smile. It's only a matter of time until I forget about him… I hope.


	3. Cold Reflection

_"It doesn't matter how many times i fix myself if i still see the wound in my reflection."_

**Cold Reflection**

As I look through the window I feel uneasy… Should I take the first step… What if she doesn't want it…? This is ridiculous… I should be a man and step forward. But… the reflection in the window shows only a child. How could I ever try to become a man in these circumstances…? How long will it take for me to grow into someone I can rely on…? I can't rely in this, as I tell her how I really feel. Shit… I have to let her go… I have to.  
- Shiro-chan?  
- Hum…? Oh it's you… And stop calling me Shiro-chan! it's Hitsugaya taichou…  
- What are you doing near the window? You should be getting ready for the farewell party.  
- I'm not going.  
- What? Don't be ridiculous. Of course you'll go.  
Hinamori's arm starts pushing mine, as my will to attend the party is decreasing rapidly. Since we came back, Hinamori's been living in the 10th squad building… so that I could protect her whenever necessary… so that she wouldn't feel lonely and sad… because I simply can't bear to see her miserable. Against my will, she throws the clothes into my hands, asks me to change, then leaves the room… that bluish kimono stares back at me, as if telling me to not wear it. On a whim, I start undressing, hoping I could simply fall asleep and wake up when she's already gone.


	4. Burning Sunset

**Burning Sunset**

As I put on my clothes, a cold breeze touches my thighs, almost making me moan with pleasure… The sinful thought of his icy hands running up my legs brought an overwhelming taste to my lips, resembling blood. As the kimono slides along my body, I can't help but to wonder where he is… Will he be coming tonight…? Will Hinamori be coming along… of course she will. For a brief moment, I wandered within my imagination, on a world where no one could ever judge us, where no one cared about how different we are, where we did nothing but love each other… As I open my eyes, I realize how foolish I am. Why would I have to fall for someone I will never have…? I'm stupid.  
- Can I?  
As she knocks at the door, Matsumoto's voice can be heard on the other side. I let her in while asking her to tie the bow in my back.  
- You look so good Seika-chan…  
The sun is going down, the night approaches. I breathe slowly as the sun sets and Matsumoto ties the bow. She is oddly quiet.  
- Something wrong?  
- I'm just missing him… That's all.  
Ichimaru's death brought Matsumoto into a pit of sadness. I understand… It's if there's no more brightness in our life, if there's no hope into the future or faith that tomorrow's a new day. I still recall the times when I held Sousuke in my arms… when he was not corrupted by power, but by a contagious happiness. As I held Matsumoto's hand, a tear falls down her face:  
- Come here.  
I embrace her tightly into my chest to comfort her. We, Shinigami, are supposed to be as numb as a rock, as cold as a corpse… but there's one thing that corrupt us more than the seek for power… that one thing that can make someone like Matsumoto fall to the ground in defeat… it knocks us out and drives us insane…  
- Let it all out Rangiku-san…  
Images of him flash through my mind… Tonight… it's the last time I'll ever see him. I shall keep in mind… that it's all for the best. Rangiku finally calms down and smiles while wiping the last of her tears.  
- Thanks, Seika. For… you know.  
- It's alright.  
- I still can't believe you're leaving. I'll miss you.  
- I'll find a way to send you my address, so you can visit me anytime you want.  
- If my captain let us… you could send the address to him and…  
- Please… Just you and Renji will know it. Nobody else.  
I… don't want him to know. I need to stay away from him and forget… forget that I've ever loved him.


	5. Melting

_"I cannot express in words what i cannot acknowledge in feelings."_

**Melting...**

- Hitsugaya taichou! Nice to finally see you!  
- Ah Ukitake… Feeling better?  
- Sure! I wouldn't miss the chance to say goodbye to our little red rose.  
"Red rose"… Her long red hair and the sweet scent of flowers that always emanates from her… Ukitake has known her since she was a little kid running around the last district of Rukongai. He smiles to himself... good memories I presume. Hinamori grabs my hand as she pulls me into the dojo. I can see Ukitake's confused expression staring at me. The blinding candle lights make me close my eyes for a while… I can feel Hinamori's arms around my neck… What's going on?  
- Shiro-chan… I think it's time.  
- Time… Time for what?  
As I open my eyes her lips assault mine. Am I too weak to deny a kiss from someone I do not love? I can't react… and I can only think of Seika as I taste another woman's lips. She stops and smiles:  
- I like you Shiro-chan! I really like you!  
What can I say? I can't… I can't… I shouldn't.  
- I like you too.  
The happiness in her face is overwhelming… I'm a coward… Damn.  
- Taichou?  
I blush.  
- Ah, Matsumoto. We're already here.  
Matsumoto opens the door to the corridor. She clumsily looks behind her back.  
- Seika was right behind me. Where could she have gone?  
Seika... Could she possibly...?  
- Matsumoto… What exactly… did you hear?  
- I just got here… but it doesn't take much to guess you two are together.  
With Hinamori still hanging in my arm is pretty obvious… It can't be helped. One way or another she'll know, and if she doesn't feel a thing towards me… then it's ok.  
- I'm off to call Abarai and the rest. Stay here!  
Matsumoto leaves and Hinamori reaches my lips again. I can't bare it… it hurts… I just want it to stop. Stop... Stop!


	6. Freezing

**Freezing...**

- I don't know where I put it! Seika, please help me find it!  
- Ok! Where did you last see it?  
- Maybe I left in the dojo…?  
Matsumoto is looking for her scarf. She opens the door to the dojo just a little and stops.  
- AH! I remember now! It's by the well! Stay here, I'll be right back.  
Matsumoto quickly runs the opposite way and I look forward. She's such a light headed woman… I can hear voices inside the room so I peek through the slim opening. The mere sight of his silhouette gives me chills… Hinamori's body is preventing me to look at him in the face… With her arms around his neck… She leans… My heart beats faster… As she leans her head to the right I have a clear shot of his face… My throat is sore, my lips tremble… I can't watch it anymore… His lips glued to hers… like stabbings in my heart. I can't move… I'm frozen… I want to leave but my body doesn't move… I want to scream and ask why… but… it's easier this way. The knowledge that I am not loved and therefore I shouldn't linger around someone who doesn't care for me. Now that my body can move, I head towards the east corridor. I'm trembling… I expected relief, but I just want to cry. I run… throughout the dojo's corridors, towards the back gate. Like the first time I saw him… I just want to run and never stop. Someone grabs my arms and violently stops me from running further…  
- Seika? Are you alright?  
As always… Abarai's voice calms me down… I break down. He holds me against his chest as I tremble from head to feet.  
- You're gonna be alright… I'm here.  
- I… I want to… Just forget.  
The moonlight strikes me in the face as I look at him. Abarai's expression… He jams his head forward and mumbles:  
- I'm sorry Seika… I can't make you forget it.  
What is he saying…? Am I missing something here…? Could it be, that I'm so blind I couldn't even see I've hurting him all along?  
- Abarai…  
- I will kiss you… if you keep looking at me that way.  
Threads of his hair fall down my face. He looks away.  
- Please Seika… I'm dead serious.  
Releasing my hands from his embrace I step back. My heart may be broken… but I won't mislead him into thinking I love him…  
- I'm sorry… Renji. Thanks for your support.  
I vaguely smile. He smiles back at me. I wipe the last of my tears with my hands and forge a fake smile. I have to hang on… for one more night. He pats me in the head as we head back to the dojo, side by side. Even though I don't love him, he makes me feel safe… He makes me realize I still have a chance to do it right… that I can overcome tonight.  
- You two!  
- Rangiku-san…?  
- I've been looking for you Seika! And you Abarai… running late as always?  
- Aw c'mon Matsumoto, give me a break!  
As they keep fighting I suffer from laughter ensues. I'm feeling like crap, but this can't affect me… Not tonight.  
We reach the dojo. Ukitake, Shunsui, Ichigo, Rukia, Orihime, Ishida and Sado are already here. My eyes scatter along the room to find Hitsugaya and Hinamori approaching us. Renji involves one of his arms around my shoulders to comfort me.  
- Ahhh… Seika-san! Haven't change your mind yet?  
- No, Ichigo. At this point it's only fair and square that I leave.  
- You should consider it though… Yamamoto san gets really cranky when you're not around.  
- Please, keep taking care of my father for me, Shunsui…  
- Seika here will get a job… and she'll go to school!  
Abarai's funny tone always made me choke on my own saliva. Hinamori grabs my hand:  
- Why can't you stay?  
I look at her… but… he locks his eyesight on me. I slowly feel the urge to drown in them… He's so close to me; I can feel his cold spiritual energy messing with mine. He keeps staring at me… I want to look away… but…  
_"Stay…"_  
As his lips move I try to decipher his deaf words… He keeps his mouth slightly open as I keep staring blank at him. "Stay"… He's asking me to stay.  
- Hinamori-kun… Seika's already made up her mind. We should wish her good luck.  
Abarai's words… He looks away. Hinamori smiles and let go off my hand to reach his. I get swallowed by the rest of the people. I tell everyone to scatter and grab some drinks. Slowly I walk away as my imaginary chains keep pulling me towards him.


	7. The Feeling

_"God doesn't forbid anything at all."_

**The Feeling**

Why? Why am I feeling so lonely in such crowded space? My lips are dry. They hurt. Matsumoto just came into the room… She's here, with Abarai. She takes a quick glimpse this way and he hugs her… I guess I deserve it. My awkwardness towards her kept getting bigger throughout time… but I couldn't avoid it. I'm messy when it's about my feelings. I cannot express myself properly… I'm so immature. While she… leaves me speechless. If I could just remain here staring at her for eternity… I would.  
- Shiro-chan, let's go.  
Hinamori and I are getting closer to her… She grabs her hand and she turns. The long red hair twists around her shoulders; her sweet expression… I want to… I want to say it. The big blue eyes turn, she's looking at me… I want to have her, to own her… Stop stalling… tell her… ask her. I try to make a sound, but nothing comes out… "Stay" in a silent way… that's all I can mumble… She keeps staring at me… maybe she's finding me awkward today.  
- Hinamori-kun… Seika's already made up her mind. We should wish her good luck.  
Abarai's words… I can't look at her anymore… Not with him holding her. I look away. As everyone scatter to get some drinks, I stay stuck with Hinamori by my side. When Seika laughs I feel the urge to laugh as well…  
- Why are you looking at Seika that way?  
- What are you talking about… It's nothing.  
It's everything.  
- Then why can't you look at me the same way?  
Because I don't feel the same way…  
- Nonsense, Hinamori… I don't feel anything towards Seika… I'm just concerned about her.  
I don't anything else but the love I crave for her.  
- Oh, I'm sorry Shiro-chan…  
She kisses my lips again. When she stops, I notice Seika is alone on the other side of the room.  
- Hinamori, I need to have a private talk to Seika-san. Can you please wait by the others?  
- Captain stuff, right?  
- Ye.. ah..- I stutter.  
As Hinamori joins the others I make my way through the room. She is pouring hot tea into her cup.  
- Hum…  
She turns her head at me unexpectedly. We smile at each other.  
- Why… hello captain. It was a big crowded back there… we didn't get the chance to talk properly.  
- I didn't want to interrupt your moment… So… Are you really going to Tokyo?  
- I guess Matsumoto big-mouthed that…didn't she?  
- You should learn not to trust a secret to Matsumoto…  
We both nervously laugh. I grab a cup and Seika pours tea into it.  
- Thanks.  
- You welcome.  
Silence. We look at the table wondering what to say next.  
- I don't know if I should do this… and maybe this is not the proper time to say so, but… before I leave I want you to know… that my feelings towards you are different from the average.  
I look at her holding the cup next to my lips. The steam is burning my eyes, but I'm anxiously waiting for her next sentence. She doesn't look at me.  
- Sorry to keep you in the dark for so long.  
- Are you… serious about what you're saying…?  
She stares at me. I look at her while putting the cup down.  
- Maybe I shouldn't have said that…  
The room begins to fill up as several people arrive at the farewell party. But still… while we look at each other, there's nobody else in the world.  
- We're so different from each other… and you love Hinamori.  
I lack words. I can't talk. I'm overwhelmed. She loves me.  
- I thought… you loved Abarai.  
- I don't.  
People approach us. Seika turns to them. What shall I do… I… I want to hold Seika, but I don't wanna hurt Hinamori.  
- Seika… Can we go outside?  
- Sure. Excuse me; I'll be back in a moment.  
I follow her to the back garden. The place is silent and bathed by the moonlight. We're alone. She sits on the balcony above the pond. I sit next to her.  
- You can speak now.  
- What you said inside… I still find a hard time believing it.  
- Well… Just ignore it then. Don't get all logical about this sort of thing.  
- How cruel… You have no idea how I feel about you.  
I watch my reflection tremble along Seika's.  
- Hinamo…  
I grab her hand. My cold hand embraces hers igniting a bond I thought I had lost moments before. I don't want to let go… please don't let go.  
- I don't want to let go.  
- Toushirou.  
I smile. She calls me by my first name and I love it… for the first time.  
- You have Hinamori… It's not fair to her.  
She tries to let go but I grab it even harder.  
- I'll end it… just… don't leave.  
Her hand slips below mine as she leans towards me. Her lips kiss mine with tenderness. I can feel the love flowing through her movements as I caress her mouth. It's intense… I don't want to stop… but she stops and stares. Inches from each other, a tear drop falls right in between her cheeks.


	8. Splits Into Two

**... Splits Into Two.**

I can't hold the tears… Experiencing his lips tasting like Hinamori is something I cannot bear… Despite his words, there's no chance he can be mine… not while she's around.  
- Is something wrong? – He asks.  
- This… this is wrong.  
- You do realize how long I've waited for this… don't you?  
- We can't.  
- Are we back to Hinamori again? I said I'll end it.  
- You'll never be all mine… and I can't ask you to come with me.  
He looks at me with a sad expression; I can feel his hand squeezing mine, don't wanting to let go.  
- If I stay longer… I'll have the imperial guard after me… I have to go. If it weren't for my father's pressure I wouldn't even be here today.  
- You can't quit now… Why are you giving up now…?  
- If I don't, they will not only take you out from your position but imprison you. That's how they work. You will be happy with Hinamori… and you will stay here, in Soul Society, and be the 10th squad captain like before…  
- Shut up…  
Incoming footsteps can be heard. I let him go and face the pond.  
- Ah! Shiro-chan! You're taking so long!  
I turn to Hinamori, hiding my sadness with a smile.  
- Aw, we were just remembering old things and captain became sensitive about it!  
- You can't possibly be pretending that didn't happen… can you?  
He's angry. I can sense it in his tone.  
- What are you talking about? Look, you two just stay here for a while and enjoy the moonlight. I'll go back inside.  
This is wrong. I have to leave… I turn the corner as he says:  
- This's a one sided decision.  
I take a deep breath. Did that mean he hates me…? I notice Abarai's body standing against one of the walls. He looks at me and I'm aware that I'm throwing a pitiful look back at him.  
- Come here. – He says stretching a hand  
I approach him and he violently grabs me, pushing my body against the wall... His eyes glow as he slides one of his fingers through my lips. He smirks. My body freezes. As he presses his body against mine I feel the warmth emanating from his skin. This is happening so fast… I can't react.  
- I told you not to look at me again with those eyes… You've been warned.  
Before I can talk he presses his lips against mine. When were… Abarai's lips so sweet…? Is this what Hitsugaya felt when I kissed him? That's why I felt Hinamori when I kissed him? Abarai's arms hug me with tenderness… he stops kissing and whispers:  
- I hope you can forgive me… for I can't help myself when I'm around you.  
With my mouth semi-opened, I can't speak. The fact that I like the moment doesn't help at all. I love him, not as a lover but as a friend. Renji looks left. I look left too. A cold reiatsu is increasing.  
- This is unavoidable.  
Hitsugaya is staring at us looking appalled. One of Renji's arms is preventing me from getting out of here. Hinamori's right beside him…  
- You… You don't waste any time… do you?  
Abarai smirks at Hitsugaya's remark.  
- I believe you were the one who didn't waste your time… captain. I'm simply fighting for who I want.  
As Abarai looks at Hinamori, Hitsugaya closes his fist.  
- Shiro-chan… What's this all about?  
- Yeah, captain… Tell her what this is all about.  
He blinks while looking at Hinamori…  
- Momo, let's go. There's nothing left here for us.  
Hitsugaya and Hinamori leave the place. He throws a last stare at me… He's feeling what I felt.  
- Seika…  
I'm not sure if I want to hear what Abarai has to say… not now.  
- I'll go… with you. If you want me to.  
- You mean… you can't do it.  
- I'll leave Soul Society. Is this proof enough of my feelings for you?  
He's willing to leave everything for me… Hitsugaya is not. Should I consider this… Why am I considering this? I love Hitsugaya more.  
- I can't ask you that. I need to go.  
I release myself from his embrace and rush inside. I spot Hitsugaya and Hinamori near Ichigo's group. I don't want to deal with it right now. This is over.  
- Can I have your attention, please? (everyone turns) Thank you all for coming, this really means a lot to me. (I tremble) It's time for me to go, so… I'm on a tight schedule over here…  
One by one, they approached me to say their goodbyes. Among all the seconds of intense conversation, my mind was lost elsewhere. No Hitsugaya, no Abarai…  
- I wish you good luck, Seika-san.  
- Thanks Hinamori. Take good care of him for me… will you?  
- I will, don't worry.  
With fake enthusiasm I hug Matsumoto:  
- I don't want to cry, Rangiku… But you're leaving me with no choice!  
Rangiku's tears were too much for me. It breaks me to leave her, it breaks me to turn my back on this.  
- I'll visit you!  
- I know! Don't worry sweetie!  
After a long period of tears, everyone finally left, leaving me alone in the dojo. This loneliness… I'll just have to get used to it. I've tried my best… I can't have him.


	9. Seika's TS: Starting Over

_"Those human affairs... will break us down and tear us apart."_

**Seika's Time Skip: Starting Over...**

It's 2 am now. I'm all set and ready to go. The Senkai gate is already open. Ukitake is outside waiting for me. This is it. I'll miss this… I'm heading outside with heavy steps. After almost 500 years of story, I'm forced to abandon Soul Society forever. I've always been an outcast… that wouldn't change now.  
- Are you ok?  
- Yeah… Thanks for opening it for me.  
Ukitake smiles as I step into the gate.  
- Good luck.  
The door closes. I start to run to get to the other side. Once I'm on the outside it will be a fresh start. Forever. Tears rush into my eyes by the thought of leaving it all behind. A light on the end of the tunnel. I run towards it and soon when I step out of the gate, the door closes instantly. My Shinigami outfit is gone. My powers are gone. I'm a mere mortal. I'm feeling… free, though I'm still stuck with him.  
- How long are you gonna stay there staring at the ground?  
I turn to my left. His red hair gently floats around his face. He stares at me with a concerned expression.  
- Abarai…  
- Let's try. Just try to love me.  
- You've given up…  
- I'd rather have that than leaving you by yourself to eternity. This is my choice.  
Why… why can't I talk Abarai out of it? Is he gone insane?  
- So… where we heading now?  
- You have to go back! Soul Society is your life!  
He approaches me and grabs me by the wrists. I feel the intensity in his tone:  
- If there's no you, there's no life. I gotta make you understand.  
I shiver. When has Abarai changed into someone I actually feel attracted to? I… I don't want him to go. I owe him.  
- So… Looks like we're stuck to each other then…  
- Is it a bad thing?  
He kisses me. Is this the start to a new life… and a change of heart?

An earthly year has passed since we left Soul Society. Time sure passed by. Our memories from Seireitei have been erased slowly. In ignorance, Abarai and I've been happy enough to carry on with our lives. Because Matsumoto is always calling us, I can't forget her, since she's my only bridge between Earth and what's left of my Soul Society memories. According to her, everything's been nice and apparently Hinamori and Hitsugaya will be getting married soon. It's ok, I guess. I'm with Abarai, with whom I've been becoming attached to each passing day. We call it… moving on. Today I got a call from Matsumoto to invite us for a party on Saturday night. Abarai has work that night but he insisted for me to go so… I'll be attending it. I miss Matsumoto and the others…


	10. Seika's TS: Turning Back

**Seika's TS: ...Turning Back...**

It's Saturday night and I'm ringing Ichigo's door bell. Matsumoto opens the door and screams:  
- OMG!  
- Don't just "OMG" me, Rangiku! Give me a hug!  
To my arms she runs, suffocating me with her chest. I hug her without feeling her spiritual energy for the first time.  
- So happy! I'm so happy, Sei-chan. You look so pretty!  
- Same for you my friend… You look way better…  
With tenderness I run a hand down her face, while she glares at me with sad eyes. I'm sure she hasn't moved on from Gin yet, but this is progress. She grabs me by the hand, dragging me into the house. Music and loud noises can be heard from the backyard, as I nervously head towards it. I hope… I beg… Please don't be here… don't be here…  
- If you really love Abarai, don't be nervous…  
Does she mean he's here?  
- What?  
- Control yourself, love! Otherwise he'll feel it.  
As she finishes talking, the door to the backyard opens. I step outside calmly as the loud music pierces my ears. Among the garden I recognize some faces, while others are complete mystery to me. Ichigo grabs me by the hand, making me spin:  
- SEIKA! I'm so happy to see you! What have you and that monkey head been doing all along?  
- School and work, for the most part. What about you guys? Too much work?  
- You know it better… our work never ends… You left Soul Society in time…  
Before Ichigo can finish the sentence someone else pushes me to the left.  
- My lady is so nice to finally see you!  
- Hey, Shuhei let her be! We were busy, like… Having a freeking conversation?  
If it weren't for Matsumoto saying his name I couldn't remember it. Everything has been fading away, but I feel happy. I stand next to Rangiku, Ichigo and Shuhei, afraid to even look at the rest of the people. I can't feel anything, not a single tip of spiritual energy. Rukia and Orihime approach us, handing me a glass of sake. It feels nice nice… After a whole year spent with Abarai, it feels good to run into some good friends.  
- When are you and Renji-kun getting married? – Orihime asks.  
- Actually, I don't know. We haven't really talked about it yet… I'm not sure what his thoughts on the subject are…  
- Will you invite us when it happens? – Ichigo asks.  
- Well, of course! Otherwise it will be a very lonely wedding with just me and the groom!  
- Seika-san!  
This familiar voice calling me… I turn my head to the right, to watch Hinamori heading my way. As she waves, my eyes instantly target the diamond shaped ring she's wearing. I smile, feeling my heart almost stopping. There's no Hitsugaya besides her, thank god.  
- Ahh, Momo-chan! Congratulations on the wedding! I have heard!  
- Thank you, I'm so thrilled to see you here! It's been a long time!  
- Yes, it's been indeed. How are you doing?  
- Happier than ever… Shiro-chan has been the best fiancée I could possibly have.  
I put a sour smile on my face, while being hit with all that happiness. Though I'm happy for them I can't avoid the thought… of him getting married. I have Renji, I love Renji, why am I still thinking about Hitsugaya?  
- Let's celebrate then! It's what I was invited for, right?  
With a spin I join the crowd, waving my head and hair back and forth to the sound of the music. Everyone is having a quite good time, dancing and drinking, letting all bad energies go. As a human I know it… I know how these little escapes from real life taste like holy nectar. Eventually Ichigo grabs me by the waist and we start dancing together. I never felt attracted to Ichigo, but he has that intriguing something every girls like. Through the corner of my eye I see Matsumoto giggling along with Rukia.  
- Aww just shut up! – I yell.  
- They're jealous!  
I let Ichigo go, dancing by myself. He keeps dancing next to me… Everyone is getting crazier with the booze, showing their wild side. This is what I came here for… Fun, happiness. If only Abarai was here with me… Suddenly someone grabs me by the waist, pushing me against him. My heart, my hands, my body freeze as I stare at those merciless eyes of his and my soul petrifies to the depths of my unconscious. Mixed with the crowd here we are, as close as we can count each others eye lashes. He remains static, without blinking. Through an unspeakable pain I can feel his ring ripping between my ribs, for the strength he was putting into it. Taller and with longer hair, an older Hitsugaya is standing before me, fiercely holding me in his arms. Appalled, I find no words to say… other than…  
- Congratulations on the wedding…


	11. Seika's TS: Or Ending It

**Seika's TS: ... Or Ending It?**

He stares back at me, gulping. This is an awkward situation and his embrace is making it worse.  
- Thanks… - he sourly answers. – Momo and I are looking forwards to it. – He sourly adds.  
Then why can't he let me go? Why is he holding onto me this much?  
- I'm happy for you… but could you please…?  
Against his will he releases me, as I rub my hurting back. I smile at him… there's no point in us feeling this way.  
- Just don't do that again, you scared me!  
- Oh… sorry… Maybe we could, you know… dance.  
- I'm not sure if Momo's ok with it.  
- Does it matter?  
The feeling of before, of barely dying by his touch, is enough for me for not wanting him to hold me again. We're not over each other, not by a long shot. Ichigo puts an arm around my neck asking:  
- What are you doing? Come and have a drink! Oh, Toushirou! Hinamori is looking for you, you better go find her!  
Before I can answer I'm dragged into the house.  
- 'You ok?  
- I guess…  
He must have noticed how shivery I am. Grabbing my hands he makes me sit on the stairs, crouching in front of me.  
- What did he say to you?  
- Nothing much actually… It was just weird, but I'm fine.  
- I can call Renji to come pick you up.  
- Let's not bother him, he's working. I'll manage this.  
- That won't do for me, it's not enough.  
With his lips against mine, he takes my breath away for a few seconds before I can split us up.  
- Ichigo! What the hell?  
- I hope that can mess with your mind enough to forget about Toushirou for the night. He's bad energy for you after all.  
- Shut up… what an awful way to help a friend.  
He laughed and I can't help to giggle. What indeed a wrong way to help me! Ignoring the situation I get up, hitting him on the head with both hands.  
- See… You're better already!  
- You shouldn't have done that. That was wrong!  
- You shut it or I'll shut you up against your will!  
I run to the backyard with Ichigo follows me into the drinks table. Ignoring the remaining guests we stay by the table, pouring large quantities of alcohol into our blood, till our vision becomes blurry. My body feels numb, trying to tell the difference between illusion and reality. Taking a peek at the rest of the crowd I spot Hitsugaya a few meters away from us, staring lifeless. Ichigo runs a hand down my face, almost reaching my lips.  
- What's with you today? Go kiss Orihime, poor girl's been waiting for it since she was born!  
- It's just… I can't resist you for some odd reason…  
- Give me a break Ichigo, I have Renji…  
- Well, he's still looking this way… Shouldn't you do something about it?  
I'm enraged by Hitsugaya's actions… or maybe that's the booze talking… but I'm still mad.  
- Then again, what does he want from me? He's moved on! He's engaged. What is he thinking?  
As I feel nauseated, Ichigo takes the cup out of my hand, throwing it into some nearby bushes. Gently grabbing my head, he lays it on his shoulder while massaging it. The pulse of his heart and veins are so strong, it remind me of Renji's. Even though he's acting like an asshole, I guess he's the one Renji would trust my life to… even if that means a kiss from him… and by the way he was acting towards me the whole night, I'm pretty sure he's just protecting me from an unavoidable break down.  
- I'll take you home, otherwise Renji will be worried.  
- … but I don't know when I'll see you guys again. I don't wanna go.  
- You could just crash here for the night. Rukia doesn't mind sharing the room.  
I nod positively as he takes me upstairs and lays me on an empty futon.  
- Hey Ichigo, could you call Ren for me and say I'm staying here for the night?  
- Sure. I'll be right back.  
I curl up on the futon, closing my eyes to ease the headache. Moments later Ichigo opens the bedroom door:  
- Just talked to him. He says it's ok and that he'll pick you up in the morning.  
- Oh, thank you so much Ichigo.  
- Don't worry.  
With a smile he closes the door, leaving me inside the cozy futon.


	12. Seika's TS: Double Vision

_"Beneath the moonlight, under the enemy's eye, i'll make you mine."_

**Seika's TS: Double Vision**

Feeling rather sleepy I close my eyes by the same time the door opens again. Stumbling forward, Rukia falls flat on her futon, falling asleep instantly. Ichigo enters the room some seconds later:  
- How you're feeling?  
- Quite nauseated to be honest…  
- Just rest and you'll be fine by sunrise…  
Ichigo sits by my side with a fable expression.  
- What's wrong? – I ask.  
- Nuisance.  
- Tell me about it.  
He nervously smiles, as if hiding something from me. Why is Ichigo so fearful while talking to me?  
- I never realized how beautiful you are. Those times when Abarai confide to me his feelings for you, I always questioned why. Why would someone give up on eternity for another? I understand why he felt the urge to hug you tonight, even though he's engaged. I understand why Abarai parted with you… I understand why I can no longer be his friend, but his enemy.  
With passion he assaults my lips in a fiercely kiss, as a vampire craving his fangs on his victim's neck. As the door slides, Ichigo charges further gluing his body in mine. What is happening? I can't move, I'm paralyzed… I want to stop him! Ichigo's tongue searches for mine as we look at each other. I hear a feminine squeal belonging to Matsumoto.  
- There's some live action in here!  
Ichigo laughs uncontrollably while I remain numb under his lead.  
- Damn Matsumoto! Could you possibly make any more noise?  
- I never thought I would live to see Ichigo on Seika action!  
- Just go and close the door already!  
As Matsumoto closes the door I say:  
- If Matsumoto knows… everyone will know… Ichigo?  
He stares at me with a blank expression. I pause, waiting on a reaction.  
- After tonight… You won't have trouble with Hitsugaya again if he backs down.  
Did he? Did he risk his friendship with Abarai to help me… to free my heart from Hitsugaya's curse?  
- Don't misunderstand the reason why I did it. I desire you… but you already made your choice. I respect that. This is the last time I'll ever touch you like this.  
- Ichigo…  
- I'm sorry Seika. I can't be the good guy this time.  
A sword flashes through the door, hitting the tatami next to my head, after scratching Ichigo's face.  
- You. Get the hell away from her.  
Ichigo turns to face Hitsugaya holding the sword by its chain. His bloodthirsty eyes stares at us in hate. Without thinking I try to grab his sword at the same time he retreats it, cutting deep both my hands. The pain and blood I hadn't seen for so long it's back. Ichigo draws Zangetsu out, covering my body with his.  
- It's time you move forward Toushirou.  
- I understand your intentions… but the feeling I crave for her in immeasurable. I'll ask you one last time. Step aside Ichigo.  
As they argue I keep bleeding, feeling my body fainting. I'm weak as a human…  
- She didn't choose you! She chose Renji, get a hold of yourself!  
- I LOVE HER!  
- Hitsugaya… - I call.  
Hitsugaya's screams are like slaps to my face. My vision is fading and my heart beats decreasing. I take a last look at my hands to acknowledge that my wrists were also cut. Am I dying…? Is death this dark and cold… or am I being held by the coldest hands I've ever known…?


	13. Seika's TS: Defeat

**Seika's TS: Defeat**

Covered in cold sweat I wake up, breathing heavily. Someone cleans the sweat drops of my forehead.  
- Are you alright?  
- What…  
As my vision returns I face Hitsugaya standing next to my futon, looking concerned. I immediately look at my hands to discover no cuts or blood.  
- I heard you screaming and I got worried.  
I cover my face in shame. It had all been a dream… Ichigo and Hitsugaya's rage. God… I just wanna hide.  
- I'm sorry… It was just a nightmare.  
I blush. What an idiot… He keeps staring at me with an amused face.  
- What? – I ask feeling upset.  
- For a brief moment, while you were asleep, you called my name.  
If redness could kill I would be dead by now.  
- You probably misheard it…  
- Perhaps.  
- Don't look so amused, it's embarrassing.  
- I can't help it…  
I hide my head under the blanket, while he says:  
- This is still a one sided decision.  
- No, it's not. You also made the decision of marrying Hinamori.  
- I did, but I also told her of my feelings for you. She knows I still love you.  
I peek through the top of the blanket, as Hitsugaya looks away looking ashamed.  
- What did she say?  
- She understood and accepted it… but I want you there. When it happens.  
- At your wedding? I don't think that's a good idea…  
He looks at me, drawing a hurt expression on his face. With a weak voice he asks:  
- If you don't come, when will I ever see you again?  
- I don't know.  
Staring at his eyes I remember how much I still love him. My feelings I thought we're gone, they we're just numb. Slowly I sit on the bed, as he watches my every move. Taking a deep breath I stare at him, as our eyes tremble over the moonlight. On my knees, I turn to him, grabbing his cheeks with my hands while crawling till I reach his body. My lips tremble as I touch his, burning like fire against the freezing cold. Out of control, he grabs my head pressing it against his. Against my chest I feel his heart almost pop out of his chest… I already carry his heart in my heart. This madness of ours, this desire as he licks my neck should end. We're crossing the line, defying all morality. We're evil, but it tastes so good… The way he touches my body as we undress, as if he can't bear the waiting time.  
- What about Rukia?  
- In there…  
He takes me into the closet, pushing me against the wall and closing the door. In the darkness, I hear his heavy breathing against my shoulder.  
- This… is the last time. We can't do it anymore…  
- I know… I know, Toushiro.  
Pulling my skirt up, I feel him thrusting inside me, releasing a moan. The pleasure I'm feeling right now is overwhelming. While we're doing it, he repeats several times that he loves me in a painful tone. This pleasure is suffering… I won't be able to touch him, to kiss him again. I hug him with tears on my eyes, whispering I love him too. Crazy, he slams his hand against the wall, holding me with the other. Tonight… just for tonight, we become one.

Next it's time for Hitsu's TS :p


End file.
